Down Memory Lane

TRIGGER WARNING⚠️: Talks about SA, Suicide, and death. 

⚠️DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE UNDER 18⚠️

My parents had met a few year prior to me being born. The only reason they had got married was because of me. Their marriage didn’t last long though. I was always shipped between their houses and my grandparents house. When I was about 3 or so I remember being woken up just after I had fallen asleep at my grandparents house. I was taken out of my bed still in my pjs and walked to the front door and was greeted by 2 police officers. I was taken out of their house while crying and saying I didn’t want to leave. My mom had agreed that I could stay the night but my dad didn’t want that. So my mom had lied saying that she never agreed to it. Eventually when I was about 3 or 4 my grandparents had gotten custody of me.   When I was 10 I remember a day or two prior to the day she died. I went to the hospital to say goodbye. We had gone in her room and she was laying there so tired. I went up to her, and I held her hand. I had always loved the cold feeling of her hands and how she would hold mine. It was like she was there, but she wasn’t. We didn’t stay too long just long enough for me to say goodbye. Then the day of the funeral, me and the rest of my family are going to this small room where she had laid gone pale paler than usual at least. It never felt real and it still doesn’t to this day even though years have passed. It just doesn’t bother me as much as I think it should. 

I had therapy in the following week that she died. I’ve been going to therapy since I was three so it’s just another day opening about stuff that didn’t matter. I walked up to my therapist (at the time) like I always do then she opens the door. I just look at her and say, “my mom died” then I walked right into her a little office in the corner of the building. I had said it so plainly just like anything else so she thought I was joking.   My mom wasnt in my life like she should have been so it felt normal-ish. She was too busy with dogs or pills to worry about me. I was used to all the new boyfriend’s coming and going just like she did with me. 

It’s not like I have a good father figure either some days I wouldn’t mind having a dad that was dead instead of the one I have now. When I was 11 I had come forward about sexual assault that was being done my my uncle (My dads brother). I was held down and touched, I was also told by my uncle that he had touched me while I was asleep. He would always ask to see me without clothes and I would always say no. He would continue to ask and say “I just want a quick peak”. 

  Another time I had walked past his room and I had looked his room while walking by. He quickly pulled down his pants and said “I know you like it”. He would show me porn even tho I didn’t wanna watch. I had told my dad first and he had said “Dont tell anyone or I won’t be able to see you again.” So I didn’t for awhile.

  I eventually told a friend who had told her mom who had told my grandma. Which I didn’t know until I got home. I felt like I was being bombarded with questions. I felt like it was my fault. I hated all the questions. I wasn’t allowed to go see my dad anymore after I had said something.

Eventually I had to go to this building and tell this lady what happened. I remember being in this little room with cameras and glass. So I had asked the lady “isn’t their other people on the other side of the glass looking at me?” And she had said yes and wanted to know how I knew that. So I told her I watch SVU. 

 Than some time after that I had to go to another place. When I got there I was given a dress type thing and was told to put it on. I had no clue what was happening. A lady came back in and told me to sit in this chair and put my feet on these foot rests. Turns out she had to do a rape kit. Even tho I had said he didn’t have sex with me. I felt even worse about this part. I hated it I would have rather been touched 20 times by my uncle than go through that. I didn’t consent to it. I didn’t want it. I was scared and I told them I didn’t want to do it and i cried and cried the whole time. 

I had no say about what happened to my uncle. I wasn’t allowed in the court room with him even though I asked if I could be. He confessed saying he actually did what I said he did. My grandparents didn’t want him to go to jail for it they wanted him to get therapy. So that’s what they said he had to do. 

 That was 7 years ago. Since then my grandmother has died. And only up uncle recently have o talked to my dad. My dad thinks it was put in my head. I have also figured out that my uncle never went to therapy. Every time I went to talk about my uncle with my dad and to tell him that the sexual assault happened he says that he’s going to leave and I need to go calm down and talk to him later. 

I have since removed him from my life. 

When I was 14 I tried killing myself because I was going through abuse at home done my my grandfather. It still goes ok to this day. Cps and cops have been involved on multiple occasions. Every time they close the case because they don’t see anything going on. The before last time the cops and cps were involved I was told “ He is allowed to hit you because he it’s punishment. And you can’t fight back”. They also said that I could be arrested since I was 17 at the time and fighting back. 

When my grandmother died in 2020 (the person I was living with) I had to move into my great grandfathers because he was old and needed help. While my grandpa lived somewhere else. I was given the responsibility to take care of him and 7 dogs while going to school. Recently in October of 2022.

  My great grandpa got really bad. He dropped dead and I was home alone. I called 911 and did cpr on a dead person for 15 minutes until paramedics showed up. I eventually had an asthma attack and couldn’t get my inhaler because my great grandfather was on the floor dead right in front of my room. I had no one there with me. I was alone. And scared. And I still feel alone and scared.