Didn’t suffer from Covid, but worse!

I did not get covid, but I got something even worse than that.

Covid was temporary; it came, created worldwide havoc, and gradually left.

It did not take anything away from me, like from others; people lost their near and dear ones, jobs, money, homes, savings, and above all Faith. People lost Faith in God and other people around them.

But for me, instead, the period of covid gave me something which I had never asked for, I did not need it. I still don’t want it at all.

But it just doesn’t leave me; it is with me all the time now!

Let me explain my situation first.

I am from a socially well-off family. Even before covid, we used sanitizers during travel. We always had Dettol liquid soap dispensers in all our washrooms in the house. These things were normal for me, and I used them in a decent amount, as necessary.

When I heard about the first death in India resulting from Covid (in mid-March 2020), I was shocked. I got the seriousness of the pandemic and immediately started obeying all the norms set by the government – wearing masks, following social distancing, not going out in public places, avoiding public transport, not touching random surfaces, not coming too close to strangers, and so on…

But even while staying inside my house, the fear of anyone touching my main door, taking groceries from the delivery guy, allowing our maids to enter the house- all these things started troubling me.

As soon as the groceries arrived at my house from the nearby store through online delivery, I sprayed sanitizer on them like crazy. The smell choked me and my family members, but I just did not stop. This started to happen regularly.

I remember once a person from the Pipeline gas service came for a routine visit. He insisted on entering our house. Although he was wearing a mask, and I totally understand that he was just doing his duty, I could not resist shouting at him as I asked him to go away. I could not stand a stranger in my house, who might have touched so many things outside.

By that time, it was already September 2020 and the virus had taken enough lives for me to get absolutely frenzy and fear for the lives of my family members. I levied my own strict rules in my house. I insisted each one of them should wash their hands at least 3 to 4 times after returning from the outdoors. I

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bathed multiple times if I stepped out myself.

I was being told daily, every hour, every minute that I am going crazy. The restriction I was putting on my family was driving them insane as well. They collectively said, “We won’t die of Covid, but we won’t survive your torture either”. I just replied arrogantly, “I do not care! I am doing what is right. I don’t want anyone of you to get infected”.

I researched my situation – the fear of random peoples’ touch, fear of touching the main doorknob, washing my hands and face every 15 minutes, spraying sanitizer on everything in sight, emptying a bottle of sanitizer every 2 days ……. It was a type of obsessive-compulsive disorder; I realized.

I justified my behavior throughout the peak Covid phase. I had money, so I could afford the Dettols and sanitizers as much as I wanted. And luckily, none of my family members got covid.

But what now?

Covid was over by mid-2022. The lockdown rules are no longer imposed. But in these 3 years, I have changed completely.

I hate touching my own house’s main door.

I wash my hands with Dettol extensively and bathe multiple times a day.

I have started hating the touch of random people, on the train, on the roads, and in my office. In fact, I don’t feel like being around people anymore because they might mistakenly touch me. I wish to be isolated all the time.

As inhuman as it may sound, I hate it when beggars come close to me.

I still doubt taking stuff from shopkeepers and vendors in the market.

I spray sanitizer everywhere while shopping or while eating out. I know it looks odd and people stare at me when I do it. But I just cannot get over the scientific fact that there are ‘n’ number of organisms all around us, on all surfaces. They may or may not be as harmful as the Corona Virus, but they are still there, and I am fighting a futile war against them all the time. I was oblivion to their existence before Covid. I cannot see them even now, but they have consumed my mind. They have attacked my brain forever.

To quote my closest friend, “Those organisms, bacteria, and viruses are not around you, they are inside you now. They have made a permanent house in your mind and are feeding off your sane brain. May you get well soon, my dear”.

Just hoping my OCD is also temporary, just like Covid was!