Conditions Apply

It was a lazy Monday morning; an opposite of what Monday mornings should be. I was out on the stoop, sipping tea, trying to blink away the remnants of sleep clinging to my eyes. The hazy serenity vanished in a snap as I felt crisp paper swat my arm before falling into my lap. I looked up to see my mom looming over me, hands on her hips.

“take a look at the bride wanted in the matrimony section. You’re 23. How much longer, huh?”

Before I could begin sulking, she breezed past me and into the house. I sighed, toying with the damp edges of the newspaper, steeling myself to read matrimonial submissions filled with demands of tall, fair, skinny women. I scan through the page once, twice - hyper-specific ads fixated on outward appearances jumping out. I was about to bring the obligatory scan to a hasty close when one of the ads at the very bottom caught my eye. It was just three sentences, 

“occupation no bar looks no bar, gender no bar”

There was also a contact number of one Asha.

All through classes I couldn’t get the ad out of my head. By the time dinner rolled around, I had gotten way too curious and excused myself early, mumbling something about pending assignments. My thumb anxiously hovered over the saved contact for a few seconds before pressing call. Calling someone was stressful enough without the added hope of finding another gay person in my tiny hometown. The dial tone beeped ominously as I tried to tamp down my hopes. It was probably just a dare or something

“Hello?”

It was the voice of a girl. 

“hi, is this Asha?” I asked, cringing at myself for sounding breathless.

“yes? 

“uh…uhm… I saw your ad on the paper this morning……” I trailed off, feeling incredibly stupid about my life choices.

I heard a slight chuckle before the voice at the other end continued, “so, are your parents forcing you to read the column every morning too?”

“Yeah. They want me to start searching now if I want to settle down next year” I parroted my mom’s words. 

“yeah tell me about it” we both sigh in unison, then burst into laughter. It seemed like the ice was broken. 

“what about the ad? I was expecting it to be a dare or something, not gonna lie”

“oh no, it wasn’t a dare. There was a slight pause before she continued, “It was kind of impulsive though. But it was only the local daily paper for a small area and on a weekday and the ad was tiny so all in all, we didn’t think anyone would notice.”

“we?” I asked. 

“My cousin brother Arjun works for the paper and he pulled some strings to help me. As far as I know, he lied about it being a dare too”

“He’s the only one who knows I’m bi” she added after a pause.

“oh.” I breathed, words dying in my throat.

“you’re the second person now, I guess. And I don’t even know your name”

“OH! I’m gay, I mean Shreya! I was about to tell you I’m gay too but then I realized I never introduced myself and……”

Loud laughter interrupted my panicked rambling. I mentally kicked myself before giving up and joining in.

We talked for hours into the night. Turns out we live quite nearby and attend the same college. Her English block was quite a walk from my commerce block so we made plans to meet up at the cafeteria during lunch break the next day.

I felt giddy as I neared the cafeteria. We lived in a small, conservative town and the internet is the sole reason for my self-discovery, so the very thought of finding someone whom I could relate with was surreal. I entered the room and it was jampacked. Looking around, I called Asha.

“Hey, where are you? It’s so crowded in here.” 

“….-eft window….by the…..window” is what I could make out through the noise so I turned towards the left window and there she was. I made my way to her table, wondering why I wasn’t feeling nervous. She had short wavy hair that ended at the base of her neck, wore a simple pair of jeans and a t-shirt, and yet seemed eye-catching. Asha waved and offered me a dimpled smile as I sat down. 

“hey! Gay, right? Nice to meet you” she greeted me with a playfully.

 “I was nervous!” I defended myself, laughing and cringing at the same time.

Talking to Asha was easy. We talked about ourselves, our classes, and everything in between. Lunch hour got lost amidst conversation and at the end of it, it felt like we had had barely talked. A loud group of students had approached our table, whom Asha introduced as her friends. She hardly had time to say goodbye before she was swallowed up by the gaggle of students who surrounded her and swept her away.

We were both busy for the rest of the week but I began noticing her around campus, always surrounded by people yet managing to meet my eyes with a smile. 

For the first time on a Friday night, after several long hours of studying, I wished I had someone to make plans with for the weekend. Being an only child with overprotective parents, I wasn’t allowed to meet up with friends and that paired with my inherent nerdiness prevented me from having friends. It’s not like I wanted it either, my priorities of staying on top of my class and getting a ticket out of this town overshadowing any need for companionship. It’s not like I ever imagined there would be anyone here who I would want to be friends with either.

The sudden ringing of my phone, too loud in the quiet night jolted me from my thoughts as I scrambled to turn in down. 

“Asha”- the contact name displayed. 

“you hadn’t gone to bed or anything right?” was the first thing she asked as I picked up the call.

“Nope, I was just done studying” I replied, only just realising how late it had gotten.

“Oh good! I called to ask if you wanted to hang out tomorrow? If you don’t have any other plans? It’s been a busy week and I thought we could relax a bit for the weekend, no pressure though” she said all at once, was it just me or did she sound nervous?

“Oh sure, what time?” I replied, hopefully sounding casual like I do this every weekend.

Asha suggested we meet at a café nearby the next morning and I agreed. By the time we ended the call, my night had gotten a lot better.

“You’re going out? To meet up with a friend?” mom asked as I got ready to leave, surprise colouring her tone. 

“hey, I have friends!” I huffed out while struggling to wrangle my hairbrush from under the bed.

“Getting ready on time would be easier if you cleaned this place once in a while. How did you two meet, anyway? You’ve never spoken about an Asha before?” 

“We met in the library last week. And we’re in the eco-club together” lies slipped naturally from my lips.

“it’s good you’re talking to people. Don’t forget to keep me updated once in a while.” She said 

“I won’t”

“Bye!” mom called from the kitchen. 

“……and that’s how I ended up giving that grandma and her seven grandchildren a lift on my scooter while trying not to get arrested” Asha ended with a flourish and took a long drink of her watermelon juice, while I sat there, dumbfounded by how cool and adventurous she managed to be in such a mundane, stagnant place.

“It must be nice to have parents who let you do all this. Mine is insanely overprotective, I mean, you know how people here are like” I said, feeling just a little jealous.

She smiled at that, showing off her dimples. “It’s all because of my mom, really. My dad is really strict and doesn’t approve of literally anything I do, but my mom, bless her, she convinces him to stay off my case for the most part. Plus, he isn’t around much because of his job either.”

“Oh, she sounds lovely,” I said

“She is! Oh, I know, would you like to come over? she’d love to meet you, plus, it’s getting really hot so we’d be more comfortable indoors anyway.”

I considered her offer for a few seconds before giving in and agreeing. As we got up to leave, I glanced at my phone, wondering if I should call my mom and let her know before deciding against it because she wouldn’t be expecting me home for some more time and I needed to stop constantly updating her whenever I wasn’t at home.

Soon we were waiting at the front door of Asha’s house, which was approximately a ten-minute walk from my own. The door opened to reveal a lady with a kind face and a wide smile that bore a striking resemblance to Asha’s, even without the dimples. She ushered us in, asking me to make myself at home. We talked for a few minutes, and I decided she was just as lovely as Asha had made her up to be.

“I’m so glad to meet you, dear, Asha always tells me she has a lot of friends but this is the first time she brings someone home to introduce to her mom. You must be very special to her” she said, glancing at Asha. 

“Ma!” Asha exclaims, looking embarrassed. Soon after, she dragged me to her room, accusing her mom of hogging me.

“Sorry about that,” she said, sounding sheepish

“is it true? Have you never brought any of your friends home before?” I asked

She shook her head no. To say I was surprised would be an understatement as I thought back to all the times I’ve seen her around in college, always surrounded by people.

“I mean, I guess I’m popular in college but none of those people really know me, you know?” she said, sensing my surprise. “they just hang around because I’m fascinating like they’ve subscribed to an interesting podcast about this character who goes on adventures”

“Oh, and I know you?” I teased. 

“shut uuup” she groaned, burying her face in her hands. I burst into laughter and soon I could see her shoulders shaking in mirth as well. 

As our laughter died down, she slowly uncovered her face, eyes still trained down. 

“yes” she mumbled, voice so low I barely caught it.

“huh?” 

“yes” she looked up at me this time. 

As we locked eyes, I realised that maybe she was just as lonely as I was.

Days, then months passed and Asha and I were now practically joined at the hip outside of class hours. We had been to more cafés and scooter rides and to each other’s homes more times than I could count. My mom adored her like I adored her mom. I had also had the displeasure of meeting Asha’s father maybe three or four times when he would visit home from work. Every time he was around, it was like he would dowse all the warmth in their home with his frigid self. Asha wasn’t allowed to be out for long after college when he was home. I had visited a few times but the atmosphere in her house was cold and she was always tense. She told me it was because he was dissatisfied with her taking a degree in English, as it would apparently ruin her prospects in bringing in good marriage proposals.

 It was a warm afternoon, and it was too hot to go outside. Asha was lying across her bed, her long legs dangling off the side. Sunlight streamed in through the window to leave pools of golden dapples right on her face, making her scrunch her face and sit up.

“hey,” she nudged my arm with her foot. I turned around to face her from my place on her chair.

“Have I ever told you why I decided to put out that ad?”

“hmmmm… you told me it was impulsive”

“yeah, but the real reason wasn’t impulsion. It was the first time my dad had brought home a marriage proposal for me. He had a newspaper with him and an ad was circled. He had even called the people who put it out. It was terrifying Shrey, it was the first time I felt like I had no control over my own life.” She looked dejected even recollecting that memory. I slid next to her on the bed and gently carded my fingers through her hair. It always seemed to calm her down. Soon enough, she took a deep breath and continued “nothing came of it, obviously, but that day I went to Arjun and he was the one who suggested the ad. I guess it was an attempt to inject humour into the situation but at that moment that act of defiance made me feel powerful again.” 

“I’m glad you did it,” I said after a beat of silence. “That was incredibly brave of you and meeting you made me brave too. I’m glad I met you”

“I’m glad I met you too,” she said, nuzzling further into my side.

Even on that warm day, the added warmth of her weight on my shoulder felt like a soothing breeze of cold air.

Final year exams were just around the corner and I don’t remember the last time there wasn’t a book in front of my face. Though judging by the way my eyes were burning, it’s been a while. I shoved away from my desk for a bit and stood up to get a snack. My parents had left for a wedding, leaving me alone at the house. 

Just as I was making my way back to my room, the doorbell rang. I opened the door and suddenly found myself with an armful of Asha. I laughed as I tried to pry her off of me and into the house. I managed to drag her in and close the door but she still wouldn’t let go. Her much taller stature had crouched considerably in order to hide her face into my shoulder and I could feel her warm breath fanning my neck.

“hey, I know you missed me and can't live without me but I need to brea-“ my playful words died in my throat as I felt hot tears land on my neck.

“Asha? Hey, what’s wrong? Are you okay?” I tried to look at her face but she wouldn’t budge. After a few more attempts I just hugged her back and let her cry. 

“He fixed my marriage” she mumbled into my shoulder in a hoarse whisper after what felt like hours of crying.

 The helplessness I felt while listening to her cry turned into a pang of terror at her words.

“what?” I could barely hear myself ask over the ringing in my ears.

She finally broke away from me and my entire body felt cold, numb.

“He called home today. Said he fixed everything with one of his associates’ son, and that he would be home in a week with their family. He hung up before mom could even get a word in.”

I was at a loss for words. I blindly fumbled for the couch and dropped onto it, trying to process it all.

The silence stretched for seeming miles before Asha spoke up again

“How dare he” 

The rage in her voice jolted me out of my stupor. I looked at her to find her on the same spot. She was seething- jaw locked and fists clenched, entire body taut, like a live wire.

I gently touched her arm and she looked at me. Tears had dried on her face but she already seemed more like the Asha I knew. She just needed to fall apart for a bit before getting up again and I would be there for her to fall on anytime she needs me. 

“what about your mom? She has to have a say in this, right?”

Asha shook her head “she tried and even fought with him for my sake but he already doesn’t approve of how much freedom she gives me. She’s just as helpless”

 

There was a brief pause as we thought of a way out.

“let’s run away”

Her eyes widened at that. Even I was surprised at myself but I knew we could do it.

“we have time Ash. You still have to give your exams before anything can happen. We can leave on the day of the last exam.”

She nodded her head in agreement before taking a seat across from me. We had plans to make.

It had been three days since then and I hadn’t heard from Asha at all. I didn’t see her around college like I usually do and I put off calling her, because I figured she needs some space to come to terms with this massive life event. But time was running out. We didn’t have the luxury to mope about the unfairness of everything. I rang the doorbell to her home, hoping to comfort her as much as I could. 

“Hi, aunty!” I greeted her mom per usual but she left without a word, looking uncharacteristically sombre. I chalked it up to the shock of recent events as well. It must be hurting her to see Asha in such a state.

I quickly made my way to Asha’s room and knocked a few times. She looked surprised as she opened the door. I pushed past her into the familiar space. 

“why do you look like that? It's only me! And look I know you’re still processing everything but we don’t have much time-“

“we’re not leaving.” 

I stopped dead in my tracks. 

“what?” I turned around to face her. Her gaze was fixed at a point somewhere left of where I was stood.

“Ash, look at me. What’s going on?” I tried to stay calm. Getting cold feet is normal. We can work through it.

She finally met my eyes. “we’re not leaving.” She repeated

“why not?”

She didn’t say anything.

“Asha, I know you are scared but-“

“I told Ma” she cut me off once again. “I told her everything- about liking girls, about running away, everything. She got so angry, Shrey. she told me she should have never given me any freedom, that my dad was right.” Her voice was trembling at this point and she took a shuddering intake of breath before continuing- “she told me that if she meant anything at all to me, I would stay and get married to whoever dad was bringing home. She now believes that whatever my dad decides, it would be correct. She told me she failed in raising me right” 

“but- but why him?” I tried to make sense of the turn of events. “fine, you don’t have to leave but at least ask her to help avoid this proposal!”

“I told you, she already tried once and she said she wouldn’t try anymore” she sounded defeated

“and you’re just gonna give up?”

“Give up? Is that what you think I’m doing? I begged, Shrey! I told her I wouldn’t leave, I told her I’d stop liking girls! I said I’d do anything if she just bought me some more time!” she was openly crying now, tears streaming down her face. “I can’t just leave her, not after everything she’s done for me”

“Asha, nothing she’s done for you matters if your life is going to shit at twenty- three!” 

“I knew you wouldn’t understand. That’s why I avoided you for three days”

“Oh. So if I hadn’t bothered to come to check on you, you would’ve kept avoiding me forever? After all, we’ve been through?”

Her eyes widened “no, no of course not, I-“

“whatever. I can’t do this right now”

I shoved past her and out the front door and didn’t stop walking till I got home. 

The next few days passed in a blur of studies. I avoided Asha at all costs. She called every single day but I couldn’t bear talking to her. The day that she was supposed to meet the boy came and left. The temptation to call her was almost too much but I didn’t know what to do or what to say. I knew I was abandoning her at a time when she needed me the most but I pushed that thought to the back of my head, just like everything else.

Exams rolled around soon, providing me with even more incentive to ignore anything unrelated to studies. I absolutely had to score well. It’s not like anything is keeping me here anymore I thought bitterly.

On the second day of examinations, Asha finally cornered me. 

“can we talk? Just for a few minutes, shrey. Please? I miss you” she looked at me pleadingly and there was no way I could refuse.

We met in an empty classroom after the exam, whereupon seeing me, Asha launched into a stream of apologies. I rushed to stop her, assuring her that it’s okay.

“still, I shouldn’t have ignored you Shreya but I SWEAR I wasn’t going to abandon you. I’d never do that”

“yeah, I know Ash. It was me who abandoned you in the end. I’m so sorry”

“hey, no. I get it. I’m sure you didn’t know what to say to me anymore and it’s not your fault, I made a choice there.

“But I know how much you love your mom. I should’ve been supportive”

“I wouldn’t expect that from you, Shrey. I know you couldn’t bear to see me giving everything up.”

There was a slight pause after which she pulled me into a hug. I buried my face in her neck. Only just realising how much I had truly missed her.

We broke apart after a while. “how was the meeting?” I asked, fully aware of the guilt gnawing away at me.

She smiled ruefully. “They were just about how you would expect. Typical. The guy works in America though. I’ll have to leave too”

The weight on my chest threatened to crush it completely. 

“I can’t persuade you to change your mind, can I?” 

She shook her head.

“there was also a favour I wanted to ask”

“anything” I didn’t hesitate to reply.

“The wedding is happening soon after the exams as he has to go back soon. Will you be there? You don’t have to say yes, I understand” she smiled her dimpled smile.

It hurt me to see her put on a brave face. They may have taken away her freedom and manipulated her truly unconditional love, but she was still the strong, brave girl I knew. And love. We’ve come this far anyway, what’s the point of denying it?

“I’ll be there”

“you sure? You don’t have to”

“I’m sure”

“thank you” relief was evident in her voice.

Sooner than I anticipated, the dreaded day arrived. Though it didn’t register until I was led to a room where she was sat, dressed in red and gold. We were alone in the room. I wanted to say a lot of things to her, wanted to tell her that she looked beautiful, that we still had time to run away, but I was too choked up to get anything out. She seemed to be in the same state too, so we didn’t speak. She walked closer to me, and I felt a pair of soft lips against my own. Tears blurring my vision, I kissed her back, hoping to put everything I never said into the kiss. She moved away far too quickly.

“I’m sorry” she whispered.

“I am too”

As I sat at the very back, the stage nothing but a blur of shining lights, I felt a hand squeeze my shoulder. It was Arjun. We had met a few times before, in happier circumstances. His eyes were full of sympathy. I turned back to look at the stage, letting my eyes have their fill of Asha one last time.