A comical case

Inspector Sameer Kelkar was playing Solitaire on his laptop after filing his report for the day. His phone started ringing. "Hello, Inspector Sameer here," he said gruffly, " How may I help you?" The caller tried to disguise his voice and said," I want to report a murder." Sameer nearly fell off his seat. He fumbled while replying, " What? Where? When? Who?"

The caller chuckled," Are you an inspector or an examiner at the University? Why are you asking all wh-type questions? You forgot to include how and why." " All right, wise guy!" he snapped, "Don't waste my time. Just tell me about the murder and shut your running commentary." 

The caller snickered," I want to complain about the gross murder of the English language. My sister flunked her English exam. She botched up the tenses. She wrote the past tense of catch as catched and think as thinked. Her English teacher nearly had a heart attack. She doesn't even how to use the prepositions." 

The inspector couldn't help laughing. He said, " Dinesh, You rascal! Please don't make me laugh so much. I thought it was seriously a murder."

Dinesh, 13, and his sister, Priya, 10, were his elder brother, Amit's children. Dinesh continued to speak," Wait till you hear this, Uncle. I decided to help her but couldn't resist the temptation to tease her. I asked her to write a sentence:

My brain is _______ my bottom. I gave her the options at, above, and below. I expected her to write above, but she chose 'at'. I rolled over laughing at her expense." 

Sameer had tears in his eyes as he continued to laugh. He had to beg his nephew to disconnect the call. A young lady walked into the police station, waving an envelope at his face. " Inspector, " she barked, " I want to lodge an FIR against the sender of this preposterous letter." 

Sameer pulled out a chair for her before offering her a glass of water. " Relax, Ma'am," he added soothingly to calm down her nerves. 

She resumed speaking in a softer tone. She said, " I received this mail an hour ago. I am deeply hurt by its malicious content. I never hurt anyone in my life. I wonder who hates me."

Sameer took the envelope after putting gloves on his hands. He opened the letter to read the following message:

"Dear Ms. Menace, 

 We have come to learn about your straining your vocal chords at odd hours. You are subjecting your lovely throat to pure torture by disturbing the peace and tranquility of the neighborhood. Please don't give the frogs a run for their money by participating in the Annual Croaking competition at the nearby pond. Poor Mrs. Desai. She thought that maybe a demon or an evil witch was lurking nearby. 

You have caused noise pollution and disturbed our sleep. Why don't you use your lovely tongue to gossip and wreck homes? 

I am sorry for my stupid suggestion. I forgot that you are working as a reporter for a gossip magazine. I kindly request you to uninstall Starmaker, the singing app. I do appreciate your bravery for bothering to share your howling and expect a few likes from the jerks having zero knowledge of music. 

How will you yell at your husband and bark orders at him? How will you argue with your parents-in-law and complain about them to your mother? How will you scold your children?

Please consider my humble request and stop yelling. If you are in need of money, you can audition for the role of Shurpanakha, the demoness, in Ramayan.

I hope you forgive my audacity to write you a hate letter. 

Don't bother to reply. 

Your wellwisher. 

None of your business. 

The Inspector had never laughed so much in his entire life. He had guffawed at her predicament, earning an instant glare. She got up and snatched the letter from his hand. She yelled at him, " You are disgusting. You don't have an iota of sympathy for me. Instead of promising me to investigate the case, how dare you make fun of me? I am sorry for wasting your time." 

He sobered at once and replied, " I do apologize, Ma'am. I should not have laughed but I found it very funny. I think our letter writer must be residing in your area. Why don't you obtain the writing samples of your neighbors and compare them with the letter? You can catch the offender." The young lady squealed in delight and said, " That's a brilliant idea, Inspector. By the way, I am Meena Sinha, a reporter with Gossip Girl magazine." They exchanged smiles and their mobile numbers after Meena told him that she was single. 

No doubt that she was gorgeous. Sameer felt his heart on fire after she winked at him and left. 

Meena flushed out her culprit. She pretended to get the names and signatures of her neighbors for a lucky draw to be held by her magazine. Aniket Sharma, her neighbor, had drafted the horrible letter. He apologized to her after being caught. Meena forgave him and agreed to quit singing. 

Meanwhile, Sameer longed to see her once again. Was this the beginning of a comical love story?