Painful

I loved him painfully,

knowing he'd be mine 

the moment I laid eyes on him, 

also knowing he would

never belong to me.

I loved him painfully,

waiting for months 

for his heart to turn to me,

and I soared when it did.

I loved him painfully,

wanting so much more but

knowing every hardship was worth it

because he was perfect for me

and I for him.

I loved him painfully,

from 200 miles away

both of us buried in coursework,

having sleepovers over facetime,

seeing him once in a while.

I loved him painfully,

knowing that the doubts would creep back again, 

even though he reassured me for the third, fourth, fifth, thirteenth

time

I loved him painfully,

while I grew far away and

knew I couldn't hold on I waited,

so as not to break his heart,

but in doing so,

I broke mine as well.

I love him painfully

because although he is not mine right now,

my soul knows we will have

another chance.

I curse myself for giving up on us

because now, all I want is to feel him,

hear him,

see him,

talk to him.

days pass and we do not speak

anymore

and I love him so bad

and it is so

painful